Gonna try and keep this journal more journal-ly
August 9th- Slept well again thanks to my new/good friend valium. I am getting more and more used to waking up in misery. No confusion now, and I usually immediately stretch- attempt to find a good position to get back to sleep in- fail- get up to take a shower- relish how damn good the hot water feels(it feels amazing). And then go to breakfast buffet, come back and pass out for a little bit longer.
I had PT, though they messed up my time and I ended up having to sit around getting stiff for an hour. Session went well as they all have- I am told I am ahead of the curve.
I went out to eat with one of the girls I got to know pre op- Sushi buffet, which is always my favorite. However going in a walker is a frustrating experience since she had to get me everything- and a buffet that isn't hands on just isn't the same.
Watched some TV/she gave me a thorough massage after I did my last clicks. She wanted to sleep over but I told her I'd rather go it alone since sleeping is still weird for me.
I ended up finishing a book that day too which got me through the first days of this month and is actually, in my opinion, perfect for LL'ers to read. It is essentially about students who have the theory that near death experiences can lead to developing superhuman powers, and of course decide to test this theory out. Somehow reading about the severe pain these people were inflicting upon themselves to transform/rebuild themselves felt very relatable and distracted from my own discomfort.
August 10th -
Slept well like before, although my ankles randomly were killing me as I went to bed.
No PT today(which is always unfortunate). I am slightly concerned since I've heard the same sound when lengthening my left leg a few times, which I had originally thought meant it was working, but later realized that hadn't been the case of course.
I am all too eager to strike days off the calendar and find myself welcoming anything that proves to be even a remote distraction to make the hours tick faster- since I am basically just waiting for time to slip by right now. I suspect this month will be the hardest- once it is gone, knowing there is only one FULL month where I am still distracting will almost assuredly light a fire/hunger in me.
I believe I'll be swimming again today, and look forward to the exercise tiring me out/somewhat filling in for PT.
My feeling right now is not particularly happy, miserable, stressed, or pained. Mostly I feel empty. Sort of like a shell mostly at the mercy of things like time and potentially, the effectiveness of the lengthening device which I don't like.
Next X ray day will hopefully be a good one- as it will be towards the end of the month, and if all goes well, get me a visual that reminds me of what I am here for.