Hi guys,
I've not been active on the forum anymore because I'm struggling to find a reason to live. That's all there is to it. I've gone through so much trauma that I've just been trying to keep my head above water and trying to regain some parts of my life back. I actually cannot bear to come here to read comments or to justify myself, it gives me nightmare flashbacks and anxiety attacks that make it not worthwhile for my sanity.
My last xrays from a month ago still shows non-union on the ungrafted side and the NHS wants me to wait another 6 months and if it doesn't fuse, they'll have to graft me on the underside of my femur.
There're always going to be trolls etc and basically, EVERYONE deserves what they ask for. So please, go to Guichet.
For the rest of you, you know that I have replied to all of you, I have spent time comforting you, I have been on whassap walking through your various stages of surgery and recovery regardless of which doctor or what country you're from, and this is the only way I think I can contribute positively to the world and to people who are preparing, are undergoing and are recovering from CLL. I've let you visit me at home and helped you reason through, have introduced lots of you doing CLL in the same region together, dispensed the limited experience I've had in terms of preparing, stretching and red flags to look out for etc. So, I don't have to shout from the mountains and justify if I'm a good or bad person. All I really want is for EVERYONE to have a good knowledge base when going into this, to own their lengthening process and do research, to keep safe and to recover well.
I just need to get my old life back because the one I'm living right now is a nightmare for almost 3 years now. I almost killed myself 2 weeks ago because I didn't see any point of living anymore, or that anyone would even notice if I cease to exist and I don't even have a flicker of hope to look forward to. I have jeopardized any potential to walk properly, to have a family, rebuild my savings or career; with one vain decision. And that hell is for me to pay. So judge all you want, nobody can make me feel lower than how I'm feeling these days.
So don't you worry your little heads about any blackmails/lawsuits/smearing campaigns as the truth will soon be revealed shortly enough. Karma IS a bitch, that I can rely on.
Best wishes to all of you,
Unicorn