So today will be my meeting with Catagni. I can't sleep because of excitment.. You will wonder why (since it's only a consultation). For me this meeting will be the first time I will meet LL in the real world, not just theorizing about it in my mind and discussing it on the internet. This is the real "First step" which will decide what I am going to do.
My height neurosis started 2 years ago. While studying for endocrinology exam, one of the major chapter was growth defects. While reading it, I came across alot of writings about how it is of utmost importance to make sure that your kid (especially male kid) won't be short. Than I saw this huge picture of the W.H.O height diagram. For the first time, my height became a number that was put into a category and was statistically organized.. I became aware that I was shorter than 80-75% of other males on this planets... It struck me like a knife in the stomach.
From that moment of "realization" my height neurosis began... It started with the awful and annoying CONSTANT comparing while walking in the streets my height to others... It is a burden which I carried for two years now... This constant comparing, analizing, starring at other males and if they are taller than me or not. Walking in the streets became a psicological nightmare which I have no control over (I am not staying indoors because of it or something).
Afterwards, the simple mention of "Yeah he is tall, ohhh he is tall, I like tall guys, he is too short etc..." started to hurt my feelings (and before it didn't... I perfectly remember one of my girl buddies saying she doesnt like short guys and it didn't hurt me). It started to hurt me because I was now aware that this kind of compliement or whatever you wanna call it will never be adressed towards me.
Than came all the retrospective thoughts about how my life would have been if I have just been taller. These are the worst because we can't go back in time and there is no way to change the past or know "what would have been".
Today I am just in a situation where I can't stand it any longer. Yes. The main reason for me of doing this is to be more appealing to the other sex (Even though I did great till now)... I have had it with the "A few more cms wouldnt hurt you. Even though you are a little bit short you are still hot, once I got to know you, I didnt care anymore about your height, WOW! We are the same height!, I thought you were taller, you are lucky to be so good looking because you are not tall" and believe me that the list goes on and on and on and on...
I am happy (phyzically speaking) about every aspect of me (looks, muscles, shoudler width and what not) besides my height... Yeah, it's great that people and especially women are attracted to me because of my personality... But I want to feel wanted also because of my looks (Because I didn't f*king choose them). I want to be a guy that won't be put down just because he is not attractive enough.. It sucks to feel unattractive... It really is....
I remember this one incident where I was sitting with this super-model beautiful like girl. Everything was going great until we stood up. I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH THAT EVER AGAIN (And it started after my height neurosis began).
All those feelings and thoughts are flowing through me because of the meeting today...
Sorry for the long post.
