Hi everyone. Super apologies for not keeping up with this thing. I kept on visiting the site after I came home but my depression got so strong even the thought about this site or the idea of limb lengthening/shortening gave me a moment of anxiety. Even pulling up the will to write an update right now is hard.
Now that the swelling has gone down pretty much almost all the way I'm not too thrilled with the length of my calves in proportion to my thighs. But it only looks odd when I'm nked so I'm not too worried about it. Just another thing I'm going to have to suck up and deal with.
My cut fibulas became displaced in India. You can see and feel the bump on both of my legs where they stick out. Sarin says they will remodel and will eventually go back to their original shape, but that could take a long time. I asked the doctor here if they could do anything and he said not while the bones healing, no.
The main reason I wasn't writing on here was because I was going through the incredible stress of the tendon transfers Sarin performed on both my feet to correct the loss of function in my toes. I went to the hospital that day for just X-rays I thought but then afterward was being carted away to this room where I had this electric current test done on my legs and feet. Sarin came in to read the results and said he thinks that it would be best if I underwent the surgery to fix my toes. I tried to get out of another surgery but he insisted. Of course being the fktard that I am I didn't ask what the surgery was called or what was being done exactly. I just assumed it was work that was being done on the nerve. It was afterward when I started talking about it on old forum that I got some cryptic ass warning from some anonymous entity who asked Dameon to pass along the message. Saying that they too had the same issue and that Sarin wanted to do the same surgery but after their extensive research and warnings from "competent" doctors not to do it, that it was a last resort method, they avoided the catastrophe. So after a lot of researching and freaking myself out and arguing with Sarin and hating Indias guts I finally get to the day of my departure, happy as hell with the intent on going to the emergency room at the naval hospital back home to try and reverse the surgery ASAP. I had casts on both my legs(from the tendon transfer) and a walker, so you can imagine the decrepit, hot mess I was. I HATED everyone trying to help me or hurry out of my way or ask me what happened or just blatantly staring at me.
Anyway when I get home I'm happy as fk. Japan is beautiful and sunny and clean. No dirty, nked homeless children running around on the streets! I had never ever been so happy to see my base in my whole life. My house was clean and smelled like comfort:) I drank and smoked the night away(yes I know stupid I don't need a lecture)(lol).
The next day I go to the ER. It's incredibly embarrassing to tell them my story, as you can imagine. I get this whore of a nurse who gets the nerve to say to me after I'm done explaining, "So you go travel to a foreign country, have an illegal surgery and now you don't like the results." I just glared at her and said "No, it's just my feet I'm worried about." Thank God there was a nicer nurse in the room who ignored her and just focused on helping me. (In the spirit of Jesse Pinkman: "BITCH!")
So as you may have guessed they can't help me in the ER and don't know anything about the procedures I've done so they make me an appointment in the orthopedic department for the next day. Nothing really to say about it except the doctor didn't know from about anything and all he did was make me hate my life and had my casts taken off so he could look at my legs, and then I got better ones put on after wards. So I scheduled ANOTHER appointment with a better doctor and saw him the following week and he was WAY more informative. He actually knew about leg shortening/lengthening and took a special interest in podiatry. He said that normally they do wait for the function to come back in the toes on their own but a tendon tansfer is required when they don't. He said that he had no idea why Sarin would just jump right into it.
{
I have a theory of my own. I think that Sarin was taken by surprise at my interest in leaving so early without his precious work being finished and his ego couldn't handle the idea of me going back home in less than a satisfactory state in his eyes. He probably didn't want me seeing other doctors either. I feel that if I had stayed longer and waited this would have never happened, since I was too stupid to question and refuse the surgery.}
Anyway so I'm devastated right and I ask him if this is gonna make my legs defomed and if I'll walk normally yadda yadda yadda and he was totally not worried about me. He said that my legs should look normal since the muscle normally connected to the big toe is pretty thin anyways so if it atrophied then it wouldn't make a big difference. He said my recovery would all depend on how well I do in PT and since I'm young and fit it shouldn't be a problem. People have tendon transfers all the time and they go about their normal lives. I'm just going to be different from now on in that I'll have one working tendon in my foot instead of two.
So SUCK ON THAT YOU ANONYMOUS PIECE OF SH!T. I WILL MAKE A FULL RECOVERY. BECAUSE OF YOU I WAS STRESSING MY fk!NG TITS OFF FOR DAYS THINKING MY LIFE WAS OVER.
YOUR LIFE IS OVER, BITCH.
*breathes...*
Phew...mmm, okay. Where was I? Oh yeah, so a couple days ago I had more X-rays done. Its been 4 weeks since my last and it already has shown significant healing! Thats a step up from the absolute zero I had. Its not fully consolidated yet but I have another appointment at the end of this month, right before I move back to the states. Which, by the way is gonna be scary as fk. Having to find another hospital and another doc I'm going to have to tell my horror story to. Having to fight with my ex about taking care of me. Seeing my family again as some crippled freak and having to lie to them about what happened to me.
Since I left India I have been using the walker. My legs do hurt after sometime from all the pressure and swelling and then eventually my body just lets me know its time to rest. In the beginning I was extremely depressed because I was homebound, lying in bed all day or on the couch watching TV. But day by day my legs have been getting stronger and my friend here took me out a few times to the beach and then the mall and the zoo with her kids. We had to use a wheelchair with her pushing me since I can't walk for long periods which is completely embarrassing but me and my friend just crack jokes about it and how retarded we look since I'm so young. A lot of people will stare too and one time I yelled, "Take a picture, bitch!" lmao.
However now I have begun to walk unaided!
well, its more of an awkward waddle but its something! Haha. My joints crack a bit from all the weight that my legs are just starting to support again. I WANTED to start PT but when I went to the doctors a couple days ago the douche I had the first time round was seeing me and he said that PT wouldn't be a good idea right now since I guess the tendons are still healing(which apparently takes up to 6 months?!) I wouldn't want to stretch them out. Which makes NO sense because the smarter doc I saw last month said that if I had healing right now then I could start PT. My plantar flexion is totally gone. I can only move my feet forward a couple inches if that. I've got like, the opposite of ballerina foot! That's what most worries me, everything else seems to be going fine. But by the end of this month I hope to ditch my stupid walker(which I have respectfully named after the late Paul Walker, which makes it funny to talk about taking Paul Walker to the bathroom with me and helping me make food lol), and leave here with maybe a cane.
So thats pretty much the update guys. Instead of enjoying beautiful Japan my last month here I've been stuck inside. A lot of reading, caught up on The Walking Dead and True Blood. Finally finished Breaking Bad. I've been frequenting mybrokenleg.com a lot since the people on that site seem to be going through more similar things as me that you guys on here don't really experience. I've been eating a lot too to aid with healing. Back in India I was barely eating what they gave me. Here I have all my favorite healthy foods that I can just eat continuously. Yes, I've gotten fatter.
Last week I got steroid injections at the cosmetic surgery place downtown for the largest scars on my legs. It's gonna take about a month to see some results so we'll see if its worth it!
Just going to throw this out there since I know this is what all y'all are wondering... YES, I regret it. But NO, I do not blame Dr. Sarin, I blame me. I'm 5 grand in debt, going to have to rehabilitate for the rest of the year or more(instead of just the 6 weeks I stupidly assumed), I'm emotionally and physically scarred for life. I could have been signing up for school right now or buying tickets to music festivals going on this summer. I know it's not gonna matter what I say since you guys are probably as hell bent as I was, but don't do it guys. It's not worth all the pain. A chunk of your life is gonna be wasted on something so inconsequential! Life is for living for yourself and your happiness, not for other people(who honestly, don't give two s how tall you are as long as you're an awesome human being!). Life's too short, so who gives a fk if you are too. There are so many other things I could have done to myself that would have made me feel better about being a little tall instead of chopping my healthy legs off. We're all beautiful. The universe doesn't make mistakes.
Anyway, that's all I got for now. I better get off here before I start wallowing in self pity. I've been avoiding this site like the plague because it honestly depressed me to visit. I want to get through all of this and eventually put everything about this behind me and forgive myself. I'm trying to see this as a learning experience and try to hold on to the hope it will make me a stronger person. But I thought I owed you guys an update, so here it is. Don't know when I'll be back. But if anyone has any questions about anything else I'll try to get back and answer them.
Anyways, goodnight and good luck. Gonna go back to looking at pictures of Daryl Dixon.
xoxo
[This has been a public service announcement]
