Hey Guys,
I hope you're all doing well! I've decided to become a Cosmetic LL doctor overnight. I will be operating out of the spare room in the back of my apartment. The surgery costs 500 USD, however, I am willing to give a 10% discount to people who are particularly naive!
The surgery includes accommodation on the same bed you have your surgery on. The sheets are stain-proof, so the massive amount of blood loss will be virtually undetectable. Furthermore, I am taking a more holistic approach to the management of pain at Arche Hospital. Instead of using addictive opiate-based painkillers, we will be using Pina Coladas and Pornhub to ease the pain and suffering.
I understand that I am competing against several doctors in India and China, however, I have come up with several inventions that I hope will practically make the decision for you:
1) Arche Nail - I have created an internal nail that can distract up to 1 cm a day! The device is fully internal and the scars are relatively invisible as long as you never go to the beach and wear pants. Distraction is also done seamlessly. You are tied to the bed, while a nurse (we only hire hot nurses to ensure optimum comfort) will re-break the osteotomy site with a baseball bat. After perhaps a couple of swings, we hang you upside down on the most secure of tree branches. Each minute corresponds to 1 mm, depending on the rate of gravity for that day. In 10 easy minutes, we will cut the rope, and you will be 1 cm taller!
Furthermore, if you are from India, we can use a Cricket bat to make you feel right at home!
2) Guest House - I am currently in the process of taking illicit funds from Dameon to create another legendary fiasco in the dark underbelly of leg lengthening surgery! I will be using his money to create a guest house that will help me optimize the amount of people I operate on. Furthermore, I will strategically raise my prices once a couple of fake diaries are made because those college kids from the United States are 1) rich and 2) their parents have life insurance so they can go to Dr. Paley for free anyway!
3) Confidentiality - That's right. Because the price of this surgery is so low, and practically anyone can afford it, we will never contact your loved ones if something goes wrong, especially your death. Unfortunately, other doctors have forced LLer's to tell their loved ones, mainly because they can't walk, but we will ensure that you never do
Thank you,
Doctor Arche
